Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Valerie Plame Investigation Transcripts When Bush was deposed by Patrick Fitzgerald, the special prosecutor working on the Valerie Plame investigation, for an hour and ten minutes a few weeks, ago Chimpy McFlightsuit answered questions about the source of the leak that Plame was a CIA agent working undercover. The tireless investigators here at the Rising Hegemon have spared no expense, really we have used up all our summer sun tan lotion money on this and have no money left. But dear reader what we have here is a partial transcript of that conversation. Fitzgerald: Thank you so much for seeing us on such short notice, Mr. President. Chimpy: Why sure thing law boy, I am happy to help you out on this investigation, Fitzy. You do not mind if I call ya Fitzy do you? Fitzgerald: Um, no sir, I suppose if you have to call me that, fine. Chimpy: Yeah, I wanna call ya Fitzy, Fitzy. We are all one big hell's a poppin' family here at the White House. Fitzgerald: That's great Mr. President. We would like to ask you a few questions... Chimpy: Call me Chimpy. All my friends and especially my enemies call me that! But heh heh, I'll... crush them like a marchino cherry in a Tom Collins. Hmmmm... I sure do miss that drink. And a three beer chaser. Yeah, yeah... good times, good times. Why my fraternity brothers and I used to... Fitzgerald: Mr. President I think we should... Chimpy: Chimpy, please. Fitzgerald: Um, sir... I don't think... Chimpy: Chimpy! Don't force me to... Why I am the leder of the free world. Don't accuse me of not loving freedom, I can waterboard your ass you know. Fitzgerald: Of course, sir no, I would not want something like... Mr. Chimpy. Chimpy: Chimpy! Fitzgerald: Chimpy. Chimpy: Good. Fitzgerald: I Would like to ask you about Valerie Plame... Chimpy: You would like to ask Chimpy. And I promise not to swear like Mr. Mean Teeth. Don't you like that nickname for Dick Cheney? Karl came up with that one. We must have laughed and high fived it for ten maybe fifteen minutes. Heh heh. Fitzgerald: I Would like to ask you, Mr. Chimpy, about Valerie Plame... Chimpy: Was she Ms. December, no Ms. September... don't tell me... I'll figure it out. Hmmmmm... let me guess she had great big giant... Fitzgerald: Mr. President! Chimpy: Chimpy! Fitgerald: Ok, I Would like to ask you about Valerie Plame... Chimpy: Hmmmm... maybe Hustler... or one of those Internet sites that that black dude on the Supreme Court likes so much. I mean, whew... you ever look at Cheney's wife, the lynnanter? Nasty. Fitzgerald: I Would like to ask you about Valerie Plame... Chimpy: Hmmmm... let me think... [Edtior's note: no comments for ten minutes] The transcript continues with Chimpy McFlightsuit talking about who Plame is and where she posed naked for, in the words of Chimpy, "cash money."
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