Thursday, July 01, 2004

Army to Call up Lassie! Dogs of the media unite! In an effort to bolster their sagging war effor the US military has announced a call up of influential movie dog stars. Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Beethoven, Houch, even Benji have all been drafted in operation Hide the Fuck Up. "We have reached a point where we need all the media and military help we can get. Have you watched some of those Lassie shows? She was one very capable soldier. That idiot Timmy would fall down a well or get stranded somewhere and she was always able to size up the situation and propose solutions, exactly the kind of thinking we need in Iraq." Through a spokesperson, Lassie, who like Ann Coulter is a man trapped in a woman's role, commented on the forced draft of all television and movie dog stars. "I think we are all happy to help except that bitch Moose who played the Dad's dog on Frasier. How much you wanna bet its a she playing a he. Moose is certainly bitchy enough. He's gotten a bit big headed and hired the dog from Seventh Heaven to replace him on the draft roster. What an Asshole!" Benji the XXXIV who is slated to star in the sequel to Soul Plane, Soul Poop with rapper Snoop Dogg commented that like Lassie, he is ready for duty. "You know, dogg, ever since I got my nads removed dogg, its like the shanizzle and shit. I can't wait to blow up shit and stuff. I got me a head full of anger and shit, know what I mean!" The US military is especially excited about the addition of Triumph the Insult Dog to their operations in Iraq. A Pentagon spokesperson noted that "any dog who could stand up to Eminem surely could kick some Be-otch asses in Iraq. When reached for comment, Triumph said "Sure I'll go...Let Freedom Reign upon my Bitches...This new Iraqi sovereignty is great...FOR ME TO POOP ON!"
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