Moonie Times Gives Zarqawi Update: Shockingly, He's not a Nice Guy Unlike Dear Leader, or Dear Messiah. Taking a valuable time out from providing keen insight into Hillary Clinton's adventures on the Isle of Lesbos, the "loss leader of the new and improved messiah" reports that Emanuel Goldstein Zarqawi is trying to kidnap female soldiers to further shake-up Americans. Wow, the same Zarqawi the Bushies didn't want to take out because it complicated their arguments for the invasion? Well, I'll be darned. Soon to be reported, Zarqawi is looking to kidnap pretty blonde little girls, puppies, and kittens for a coming, "mixed-grill" terrorists' style. Henceforth, all Moonie Daily reports will be accompanied by the picture below of the man that keeps their reporters on the payroll -- which reminds me that I must pick up some margerine.