Nader to court any Supporters In a press conference held in an undisclosed location today after learning that the Green Party would not support him, Ralph Nader stated that he is willing to court any supporter who would consider assisting his campaign and voting for him. "While I have been a public advocate for years, I am willing to consider any constituency that will support me for president." As an example of how far he would be willing to go to gratify his ego, Nader mentioned that he is willing to consider support from major corporations, the wealthy, silly people, "Hell, I'd even consider support from Saddam Hussein if he had pull with the American electorate." Nader whined that "while in the past I have cited the need to make a change in American politics, now I want to be absolutely clear that what I want is to win. Fuck the other guys." To demonstrate how badly he wants to win above all else Nader said that "I don't care how bad the Chimpy McFlightsuit is or what damage he may do to American democracy, whatever it takes for me to win is what I want." In a press release immediately following the press conference, Karl Rove, the leader of the white house ministry of truth, stated that he leads a group of backers who would be willing to support Nader's candidacy. "He's just what we need," Rove stated in the release. "Thank God, just in time."

Nader to Greens, As Dick says: Go Fuck Yourselves In a surprising move, Independent presidential candidate Roarin' Ralph Nader told the Greens that he does not need their stinkin' endorsement. "I am my own man! I do not need a group of dope smoking hippies telling me what to do or how to campaign, damn it. I stopped the Corvair, I set up the PIRGs, I set fashion trends! I will campaign without the assistance of some small know-nothing, do-nothing party!" Upon hearing the new of the lack of endorsement, Nader fired long time activist Peter Camejo Donald-Trump-style. "Screaming your fired!" over and over and making an odd hand gesture at the Green party activist. When asked how he would move forward, Nader replied: "I am made of charisma, I will build a coalition of third parties and independents to take back the White House for me --- I mean, for the people!" We here at the Rising Hegemon will have to give this news, three Corvairs...

The Wacky World of the Bush Blog: G.F.Y.!, and a New Feature Surprisingly, despite my expectations the following phrase appears nowhere on the Bush/Cheney 2004 Experience:

-- War is Peace -- Freedom is Slavery -- Ignorance is Strength

Now this disappoints me, as it has the advantage of being both accurate and pithy. But alas, it is not there. But, as Sadly, No! points out they are taking the long form of doing Orwell proud.

John Kerry yesterday launched a new round of divisive, partisan attacks, including one aimed at the economic record of President Ronald Reagan:

Now that is the Bush Blog's description, what was this mean, viscious attack upon the St. Ronnie of Cocoa Puffs? Why this cruel jibe:

''I was part of that effort in the 1990s that had the courage to do what Ronald Reagan, for all his rhetoric -- and God rest his soul, we loved him for his strength in many things -- but I don't recall vetoes of major appropriations bills. I recall a lot of talk about deficits; I don't recall balancing the budget. I recall deficits getting larger."

Why that partisan brute, stating the truth so tactfully. This action by the Bush Campaign is so lame that it inspires a new rating system here at the Hegemon, on a level of lying and overstating and just plain stupity on a 1 to 5 scale (5 being the most banal). I give this effort, 4 Dicks.

The Governator Responds From da desk of da Governator Dear Mr. Vhiskers, I have your letter requesting clemency. My wife Maria was happy to read it to me. It has me thinking, about why I changed da waiting period. Dat is not like me and if I am not me, who da hell am I? I must have thought dat if it bleeds, we can kill it. Da change in policy has nothing to do with increasing da territory of da great state of California. But you know how people vill talk. So, I have been busy here at da statehouse working on my time traveling machine so dat I can go back in time and stop me before I issued da new policy on da waiting period for adoption. I vill have to terminate him. Coincidentally, I vill also have to stop him before he gropes, I mean massages all those young vomen. Hmmmm... Ah, sorry I lost my train of hormones. I am reformed gropenator now! Its true, I svear. I did not have sexual groping vith those vomen! Apparently the animal huggers are all in an uproar over my latest political prohblem. I am sure dat group is not linked to da gay movement where I have many friends and supporters. Luckily I have da technology from my terminator movies and vill be erasing dis problem. I vill be back. However, should something go wrong with da machine, I have left a signed pardon for you and your friends. I deeply ahpreciate your willingness to vote for my very close personal friend president Chimpy. I'm not into politics, I'm into survival. Remeber dat what is best in life: crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of da women! Hasta la vista, baby Governator Arhnold Schwarzenegger

All Laugh at Brooks After a long list of weaselly columns at the NY Times that even Thomas Friedman finds hard to keep pace with, David Brooks outdoes himself today. In a meandering and shiftless column that has become de rigeur for the right-wing about Moore, he manages not to assail a single fact in the former's movie. Rather, he just insinuates Moore is an intellectual fraud (oh, SNAP!, irony at its most pure and unadulterated) and a traitor (because, as we know by now, even the most meally-mouthed of the right-wingers don't even pull that one out of their ass any more, it is the whole theme). Fubar at Needlenose has more of the inglorious details.

I'd like to take a moment to thank some people I'd like to thank all of the well-compensated, wealthy, middle-aged, white people of the SCLM for informing me of what the "Truth" is. Apparently Michael Moore's charges that they did a gross disservice to the discourse of their nation in regard to the build up to the war in Iraq are not true. Now, the fact that we all know it to be true notwithstanding, it is still nice to know that what I know is not what I am supposed to know, and that by knowing what I don't know, that I therefore know the things I am not supposed to know. Know what I mean? And I would like to thank Peter Jennings and ABC News in particular for giving a negative review of Moore's new film without disclosing that they are owned by DISNEY CORPORATION which we know decided not to distribute Moore's film to avoid political discomfort. Oops, am I suppose to know that? And I would like to thank Lisa Meyers at NBC News for reporting that opinions expressed in Moore's movie are actually incorrect in her opinion and that because her opinion is different it is important to then say the film is factually wrong -- while not actually addressing the facts alleged. Not so little Lisa does that quite a bit. Am I supposed to know that? And I would like to thank Joe Scarborough for repeatedly saying that the film is a LIE, using not so little Lisa's reporting as his enabler, on MSNBC. Apparently, I am supposed to know it is a lie, even though the truth is that the "mysterious dead intern in my office guy" admits he has not seen the movie. Oopsy, am I not supposed to know any of these things? So my SCLM friends I would like to thank you for telling me not to pay attention to the things that I know, rather I am supposed to listen to you tell me that what you know is actually what I know, as opposed to what I actually do know? No need to know more. Now I know.

The Gravy Train is A'Rollin' On This report speaks for itself... ...The results for the contractors have been stunning. In 2003, Halliburton’s Pentagon contracts increased from $900 million to $3.9 billion, a jump of almost 700%. And that’s just the beginning. The company now has over $8 billion in contracts for Iraqi rebuilding and Pentagon logistics work in hand, and that figure could hit $18 billion if it exercises all of its options. Computer Sciences Corporation, which does missile defense work and also owns Dyncorps, a private military contractor whose work stretches from Colombia to Afghanistan to Iraq, saw its military contracts more than triple from 2002 to 2003, from $800 million to $2.5 billion. But even as these firms involved in Iraq and Afghanistan show the fastest growth, they can’t match the sheer volume of work logged by the "Big Three" military contractors. Lockheed Martin ($21.9 billion), Boeing ($17.3 billion) and Northrop Grumman ($16.6) billion split $50 billion in Pentagon contracts between them in 2003. That hefty sum represented almost one out of every four dollars the Pentagon doled out that year for everything from rifles to rockets. Nice to know that the big corporations are doing well in this war, ain't it?

A letter from Mr. Whiskers Dear Governor Arnold Schawartzenaggar, California Statehouse My name is Mr. Whiskers and I am asking you for clemency. Forgive my grammar but you see I am one of the Kitties on Pet Death Row at an Animal Detention Center. I am writing to you to see if you would be willing to change your policy on the waiting period for adoption. I use to have a nice home, soft bed, scratching post, and plenty of meow mix and then my "family" moved without me. The bastards. I even forgave them for the awful surgery. I wonder how the man would have reacted if they had removed his bits!! And though obviously I'd be very pleased to just be allowed to live, as opposed to being dissected by Ms. Wilson's 7th grade bio class, if you could also look into helping me find my NADS it would really be great. Anyhoo, I went out to look around the yard and the next thing I know they are gone. I walked for weeks. Forget what you see in those commercials when your humans leave you, there are no friendly folks along the road to buy you food or collars or give you rides in a cool Harley. I did nothing wrong except maybe take a quick one on the carpet once in a while or scratch the sofa. Hey, I'm a cat, it's in my nature. Anyway, I was hoping that you would reinstate the longer waiting period and pardon me and my friends. I know my friends and I would really appreciate it. We are willing to give living with humans another chance, why don't you give us a chance? Hey we never started a meaningless war anywhere, unless you've heard about that pigeon thing, but oh never mind. Plus, if you pardon me and my friends Mikey the bird, Hampton hamster, Michelangelo pig, Bunny rabbit, and tom turtle -- we all promise to vote for your Chimp friend George in the next election. Its a pretty good deal, think about it. Thanks, your friend Mr. Whiskers.

My Fellow Americans Your Secretary of Anal Retention What a prick.

Breaking News: Jack Ryan to Withdraw from Race... Race frustrated, especially since it was convinced to have it happen in public and all. Source.

I Detect a Winning Theme Ok, Frist, Ashcroft & now the Gropinator. WE WANT TO LIVE, VOTE DEMOCRAT IN 2004!

Don't be so Hard on your Dick In this world it is sometimes difficult to get off of a repeated talking point. For example, the Vice-President has had some difficulty adapting to the circumstances of "WMD" or "Atta in Prague", giving the same old story he's been giving over and over for years, even after it has been disproven. What is less known to many of us is that Dick is the man many conservatives talk to get advice advice about the arts of lovin'. And to be fair, Dick is obviously a pretty fair lover. I mean he managed to turn a lesbian away from the path she was going and into a prim straight-laced type. And when his country called him for duty, Dick didn't answer the call by shooting blanks, nope, he shot, he scored!. Dick is even so talented, that despite the administration's record against homosexual rights to the most basic of societal recognitions, he can still get a lesbian to work for him. So obviously, though outwardly he seems a rather stiff, mumbly old bag o'puss, staying alive through the miracle of direct current, Dick one-on-one is simply "Captain Happy Pants", a man of even greater powers than...the Clenis. So naturally, right-wingers talk to the guy and yesterday he had a meeting with a few of them looking for advice on their sex lives. And below is the advice given to each one, and I think you'd agree, it is the same advice we'd probably give to each and every one of them, repeatedly: "Go Fuck Yourself" "Go Fuck Yourself" "Go Fuck Yourself" "Go Fuck Yourself" Now these meetings all took place just moments before the Senate photoshoot, and with Dick's inability to multitask, well, I think you can see how the misunderstanding came about. So once again, if you don't want your Cheney to swear, leave your Dick alone.

Future Heads EXTRA MEAN in spots Edition What do I fortell will be the fate some months hence of our favorite heads of talk? Let me gaze into my made up shit crystal ball and play oracle: After the success of "Slander" and "Treason" writing book called "Assfucking" about how Roy Cohn was really a sensitive, yet virile heterosexual betrayed by an evil, gay cabal known as the Democratic Party. Another swift career move for certain. This guy has made more bad career moves than a Dadaist at the Vatican. Ha cha cha! Continue to slowly morph into William F. Buckley SOP: Betraying patriots by using the traitors he'll protect. Remains the right-wing's favorite liberal. The Special Ed Lefty. Mein Fuhrer, I can valk! Wagging the middle-finger of Hypocrisy at someone undoubtedly. Copying this Blog Has a goatee and is Colmes' bitch. Sorry, this is predicting the future, not writing a Star Trek episode. Hotter than Ever!! Am I right ladies?

See Chimpy McFlightsuit Make Nice with the Irish Where's his Lucky Charms? (Requires Real Player) Let's see any other stereotypes I can come up with? Lot of Blarney. Watch it and be amused/shocked/disgusted.

Man, this is gonna really Outrage Inhofe The press just keeps reporting these things. I'm sure Saddam would have killed this guy...so the fact that we killed him means...hmmm, maybe that logic train just went off the tracks. Ah, the "Love Shack" that is Abu Ghraib just keeps getting more and more romantic as the sweet love of handlin' the evildoers moves up the chain of command. From the NY Times:

The company commander of the unit charged with abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib testified Thursday that the top military intelligence officer at the prison was in the cellblock the night a prisoner died during interrogation. His testimony suggested the officer, Col. Thomas M. Pappas, was aware of efforts to conceal the death. Testifying at a hearing for one of the seven accused members of his unit, the 372nd Military Police Company, Capt. Donald Reese said that one night in November 2003, he saw the bloodied body of an Iraqi prisoner who had died during interrogation inside a shower stall in a prison cellblock. He said a number of officers were standing around it, discussing what to do. One of them, he said, was Colonel Pappas, the head of the military intelligence at the prison. "I heard Colonel Pappas say, `I'm not going to go down alone for this,' " Captain Reese testified... In addition to Colonel Pappas, Captain Reese testified that among the others in the room were members of the Central Intelligence Agency. He also said there was a female major present, as well as a man named Jordan. It was not clear whether he was referring to Lt. Col. Steven L. Jordan, the head of the interrogations center at Abu Ghraib. Captain Reese, whose testimony lasted several hours and was covered in a news pool report, said he had been told the detainee had died from "a heart attack." But, he said, the body was "bleeding from the head, nose, mouth."

Wow the evidence of support of torture at the top is now close to meeting up with the evidence from below. Where in "Utah" will the golden spike pair of panties be planted?

Another Day, Another Photo Op Future Republican Attack Ad Photo Appropriate Kerry Response Secret Service Agents keep a look out as Vice President Cheney leaves a very "special" present inside Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy's car. Green Party Officials, including Ralph Nader Running Mate, Peter Camejo, surprise reporters by endorsing Brett Favre for President. Excuse me Mr. Gore, could you look just a little angrier to help out Mr. Drudge please? Behold, the Kerry Karisma. Elijah Cummings, D-Md tells Ralph Nader, "Well that's all very nice, but I only help put crowns on cult leaders with a boatload of money."

Who is the activist standing next to you? In a story from Wednesday's LA Times a man killed in a motorcycle accident turns out to have two identities. The first is his public role as a member of a peace group in Fresno, CA. However, when the local paper printed his obituary, the peace group found out the deceased was really an officer with a local law enforcement agency who was working undercover to infiltrate the group. The peace group has asked the California State Attorney General to investigate why their nonviolent organization was being spied on by the officer. Maybe this is a way of bringing back the TIPs program that Just-Trust-me John Ashcroft wanted to use to have neighbor watching neighbor. Works better in a police state though.

It's One thing when a Pissant Blogger Does it I've violated Godwin's Law -- as a joke. Republicans were up in arms over a submission to MoveOn.ORG made a reference of Bush being similar to Hitler. Well guess how desperate Bush/Cheney 2004 is? That's right THEY ARE PLAYING THE HITLER CARD. And Badly I might add. Watch the video, you will not believe it.

Chickenhawk Supreme: This weeks MILKY LOAD Winner It's one thing for Provincetown's Premiere War-Slut to want both his native and adopted country's troops to risk their lives over where the Tigris & Euphrates meet, i.e. Clusterfuckraq, but his cowardice doesn't end there.

I will generally go see anything. I even sat through "The Passion of the Christ." But I cannot bring myself to go to this piece of vile, hateful propaganda. I walked out of "Roger and Me" years ago, before Michael Moore was Michael Moore. I know who he is. I refuse to sit in a theater and subject myself to lies and hate.

In other words, he hasn't and won't see it, but he will sit there in his loafers, with the beagles looking up at him for more liva snaps, and declare "I WILL BE IGNORANT, AND YET CONDEMN." No wonder he'll end up supporting Chimpy. He couldn't sound more like the fundamentalists who would condemn him just for his homosexuality could he? Note to Andrew: I read your wretched blogdroppings before I comment on them. Cretin. But hey, congrats for winning the Milky Load award yet again.

One Week Ago Setting: The Oval Office, 9:15 a.m. Mr. Preznit: Karl? Karl: Yes, Mr. President. Mr. Preznit: Is there any way we can just get all these "Campaign Compassion Pages" out of the way in one fell swoop? Karl: I'll see what I can do. One Week Later. Mission Accomplished!

Behold the Power of the Clenis Record Bestseller. You know I'm sorry Rush, Ann, Sean, O'Reilly, NY Times, etc, but most people liked the guy and thought he was from a professional standpoint an outstanding President. They also are coming to realize, "Gosh, remember when a President was actually smart, as opposed to surprising us when he can string a single sentence together?" It does make me harken back to the day when blow jobs were a huge story, as opposed to today when blown up buildings are a footnote on the news. When tortured logic of "the rule of law" was debated as opposed to the presents "You're the President you're above the law".

Stop the Inanity Something tells me that when (and if) Peggy buried her own father, she didn't spend three godforsaken weeks telling us about it. Let him go Peggy. There really is just a tinge of necrophilia about her column now, even creepier than usual -- and that is a hell of a (de)baseline. I'm still relishing the fact that the other Reagan speechwriters were at least smart enough to know she was hacktacular. A Thousand Fonts of Blight.

Dammit, its not just partisan hackery, IT'S SCIENCE Of all of nature's creatures amongst the most difficult to breed is that species, fama pennae dextera, the "Right Wing Bloviator". Though there numbers are presently in no way limited, as time passes, and a new generation comes about, the biology wing of the American Enterprise Institute is taking what steps they can to preserve both the population and the habitat of this less than majestic creature. Granted there were earlier experiments in cross-breading in order to stabilize the population: But AEI scientist decided this was most unsatisfactory, and frankly do not like to talk about the matter. With this in mind, we present to you an illustrative guide to the lifestyle and mating rituals of this most unique creature. One of the difficulties of mating the Right Wing Bloviator is identifying gender. But once identified, the mating calls of the bloviator are similar, a deep gutteral utterance of a primal nature. Words that they believe work best are, "It's Clinton's fault", "Ditto", or most often a long string of "shut up, shut up, shut up". However, scientists note this has yet to lead to success. Nevertheless, here are a few individuals caught in the act of bellowing their mating call: Unfortunately, it appears that when this call is made, rather than attract, it seems to repell the opposite sex. So the Bloviators are forced to make up for this lack of activity with other forms of substitutes for sexual release. The Bloviators also have developed active fantasy lives, often mixed with an obsession with the dead: Scientist at AEI have developed what they believe to be a solid theory, the bloviators sexual disfunction and lack of success with the opposite sex relates back to early life rejection by a member of opposite polar political affiliation. . While the above, may not relate to the issue discussed, AEI Scientists have concurred this is the most disturbing picture ever taken and most definitely indicative of a man who is frankly, never gettin' any. AEI Scientist have tried a method described as baiting to get bloviators to mate toghether to increase their numbers, but despite the appearance of initial success: One of the Scientists, Dr. Godwin, notes that the fact that the bloviators above required someone else to show them how their equipment works, or in the case of the individual on the right, the fact that no equipment existed, made it unfruitful. This result was similar to the experiences of an earlier notable pairing of bloviators which also was unable to produce offspring due to equipment failure. "Sheissen, ich habe eine ball!" Despite this difficulty, the scientists at AEI state that thanks to a substantial grant from the Richard Mellon Scaife Foundation they will keep trying to resolve this most perplexing, vexing and discomforting problem.